Checking out some photos from the competition I noticed something odd. Batman has always looked to me like somebody who might just have a teensy S&M dungeon hidden in the Bat Cave. But I happened to notice the armored cod piece.

Wow.

I can’t help but wonder: is the Batman somehow “enhancing” his armor? Is that cod pieced stuffed with some extra trout?

I can see the need for protection. Batman doesn’t have lightning-fast reflexes, and he deserves the right to not get his balls shot off every time he answers the Bat Phone. But his armor is just so big. You can’t stop looking at it.

He’s sending a signal, a cry for help, as clear as the Batman sign flashing in the night sky: “Ladies, I am closed off, unavailable. Do not try to unlock my codpiece, for it is off-limits.”

The guy needs to recognize what he has: even though he has no superpowers of his own, he’s got a fantastic mansion with a swank underground hidden cave, a bank account the size of Saturn and a hit movie. What does he have to worry about?

My fashion advice: you can never go wrong with tights. Forget the body armor. It must get so hot! Tights are lightweight, cheap, easy to repair if damaged, and look great if you want to go out dancing after fighting crime.

What are Superdelegates?

Superdelegates arrive at the Democratic Party’s nominating convention in a large spaceship from their home planet. As you may gather from their name, they do indeed have super powers Their powers, which include hemming and hawing, bladder control, and the ability to accept patronage jobs from the candidates in question, are used to fall behind a single nominee for president.

Why are they so important?

Superdelegates give the Media something to talk about. If not for the presence of Superdelegates, the pundits and news anchors would have absolutely nothing to talk about between the Super Bowl and MLB Opening Day. As soon as the first pitch is thrown out in April, the Superdelegates will vanish from the collective consciousness.

Where did they come from?

Back in 1981, the Democratic Party had a difficult time herding their delegates, for delegates are wily, and prone to blend into the upholstery. Even though delegates are supposed to vote for the candidate they were pledged to during the primaries, these fickle creatures change their minds often, leading to what is known as a floor fight.

What is a Floor Fight?

It is not pretty. The candidates duking out the end of the nominating process are known to rip pieces of flooring out with their bare hands and duel. Splinters go everywhere. In 1968, Hubert Humphrey, who did not win a single primary, beat all of his opponents with large oak planks which he had smuggled into the Democratic Convention, pretending the material was for building a tree fort.

How Do the Superdelegates Prevent the Floor Fight?

Superdelegates storm into the Convention on extremely nimble steeds. Using small dogs, lassos, and shotguns, they hunt after the normal delegates, and store them in large burlap sacks until the end of the Convention. The candidate with the largest, fullest burlap sack wins the nomination.

Do Republicans have them?

There are no Republican Superdelegates, because the GOP would rather not have aliens, legal, illegal, or extraterrestrial, involved in their party.

But today, the Huckabee campaign reminded me why I’m actually incapable of making decisions.

“A governor makes decisions. A senator doesn’t make decisions; a senator sits and listens and learns and casts votes.”

That’s an incredibly good point. I’ve never been a senator or an executive. I don’t decide, I don’t cast. I roll.

Their main reason is that the Japanese opposition party refused to back the renewal law that supports the mission.

Also, because Afghanistan is a landlocked country and the Navy didn’t have anything to do. The Japanese fleet will return to the sea of Japan to conduct scientific yet delicious whaling experiments.

I believe in missile defense. It’s as simple as that. You have to consider the kinds of things that can attack us:

• neighbors having loud parties (you know who you are)
• asteroids
• giant ravenous mecha-birds
• the hands of an angry god coming down to smite us
• aliens (both illegal and extra-terrestrial)
• missiles
• anti-missile missiles
  and most importantly:
• anti-missile-defense-missiles

Plus look at the picture: the system is designed to create a replica of the Golden Arches.

No matter what, it’s way cheaper than covering America with a retractable roof like the Astrodome, which, considering the lack of consistent sunlight, would be devastating for my lawn.

Say what you will about the bombastic and yet emotive stylings of My Chemical Romance. They serve an important role in diffusing teenage angst, much in the same way as Clearosil. But what are they doing writing comics?

Gerard Way, frontman of this black parade, insists on writing a comic book.

Think about it. This crossover has the potential to be disastrous. Can you imagine Alan Moore starting an emo band? Perhaps Stan Lee should emcee the MTV Music Awards. Before you know it we’ll have actors trying to be novelists and sculptors acting like ballerinas.

I have no problem with the way Mr. Way dresses, and I think the world might be a better place if more people dressed like they were in a sad marching band. Especially marching bands. But this is a man who uses literature to combat depression. Will his comic feature fuzzy bunnies?

Here’s a brief synopsis from Mr. Way:

But in short, a [closeted] space alien has adopted seven extraordinary children to save the world.

So this is about Angelina Jolie?

I’m not so sure that comic book authors should look, like, how do I put this delacately? Fruitcakes? Comic book writing is a sombre profession, best suited to those straight laced wordsmiths whose appearance gives us comfort while they corrupt our children. Like Alan Moore.

People worry about the president’s last name, and the fear that we’ll spend the next seventy years in a Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton-Gush-Klingon presidential spiral vortex. But is this new? I don’t think so. Vice President Al Gore’s father was a Senator from Tennessee. President John Adams had a son John Quincy Adams, who not only was also president, but had a hit TV show.

Former Senator Bob Dole and his wife, current Senator Elizabeth Dole, are related to the pineapple.
Then there’s John F. Kennedy, who was related to that annoying MTV girl.

Then there’s House Minority Leader John Boehner, whose last name is pronounced “boner”. I’m just saying.

After getting an estimate from them they automatically started to bill me. I wasn’t ready to decide, I was waiting on a few more bids, but then Blackwater’s guy called me to tell me that this was a no-bid process. I hadn’t heard of no-bid contracting before, but since my friends at the State Department were so keen on these guy it seemed reasonable.

Their handiwork is somewhat questionable. Instead of nail guns, they like to use gun guns, which is really rough on the sheet rock. They broke all the windows to create a ‘defensible position’. But I live in a cul-de-sac! Their philosophy is best summed up as measure once, cut twice, and shoot some neighbors.

Then there was the loss of equipment. They ordered the new whirlpool for my back deck at least six different times, and somehow they lost each one. And then they invoiced me for the missing Jacuzzis. Plus some 8000 rounds of ammunition and a helicopter gunship I don’t even want.

The last straw was when they called me at work to tell me they’d fired my plumber. I’d been working with this guy for years – he’d seen me through every previous remodel. He was always prompt and fair.
I ask them where he is. Turns out not only had he been fired. He’d been fired upon. He’s in the hospital now.

In the contract, there’s nothing about terminating the agreement. I called my lawyer and asked him if I can do anything, and it turns out there’s a federal law prohibiting me from ending my Blackwater contract. Even worse, if I stop paying them, they reserve the right to blow up the house and start over, which means delays. But they have no incentive to do a good job, because as soon as the house is fixed, they’re unemployed. It’s a vicious cycle, and my missing Jacuzzi is in the middle of it. And I didn’t even want a Jacuzzi!

Flying

Yes, I can fly, but there are some problems with it. To avoid RPGs or interfering with normal air traffic, you have to have to fly really high. It’s cold up there. Which means you’re flying in long johns, and when you get back to land, you instantly start to overheat. Plus if you fly high enough there isn’t enough oxygen , and you have t wear one of those masks like the ones that pop out of the airplane when you’ve lost cabin pressure.

Invisibility

People imagine that they could be so stealthy if they were invisible, but that just isn’t so, and it’s a question of physics (I learned this from my buddy Dr. Angstrom, who manufactures all sorts of gizmos for the super-oriented community). Here’s the thing: if you’re invisible, light passes right through your eyes, rendering you blind, since you need to have something solid for the light to reflect against. So if you’re bumping into shit all the time you’re no longer that stealthy. You could wear sunglasses, but people get might suspicious when a pair of sunglasses are floating around.

Being made of Sand

There’s really nothing good here. Think about it: you know how it feels when you have sand in your crack from a nice day at the beach? You know how it drives you crazy from the moment you get into the car until you have a shower and a mai tai in your hand? Sometimes that interval can take hours. Think about how you’d feel if you had that sandy crack feeling around your entire body.

Super-inventiveness

I don’t know exactly why this is categorized as a superpower, but it’s in the DSM IV (Dieter’s Superhero Manual) so who am I to argue? Sure, it’s great if you can come up with the TransNuclear Geletin Process but the real problem here is patents. There’s a patent on everything you can think of out there, and what good is your invention to take over the world if you can’t get a patent and have it mass-produced in China?

Telepathy

You live in a world where people are having inane cell phone conversations. Imagine a world in which you heard peoples inane thoughts all the time. Can you hear me? Are you there? What should I have for dinner. Yeah, I’m stuck on the train, but there’s this really hot Superhero next to me. Wonder if he’s single.

So glad I can’t read minds.

Various Twists on Mind Control

It’s one thing to read minds, another to control them. Most heroes, or when you think about it, they’re mostly villians, have very bizarre forms of mind control – enmeshing victims in their worst nightmares/favorite fantasies, exploiting people’s dreams while they sleep. Can you imagine having to explain this power at a cocktail party. “And what’s your super power?” “Oh, well, it’s this form of mind control where I reach deep into their psyche and replay their worst day of ninth grade. It might now sound that bad but it’s totally paralytic.”

Wow, exciting, you might as well just say “database administrator”.

Shield Throwing

It didn’t do Captain America that much good, since he was gunned down leaving a courthouse and not having his shield handy. That’s sad. I’m pretty sure it isn’t an Olympic sport.