Heroes occasionally have to act like normal people in totally unexpected ways. We sometimes pull over to get gas right in the middle of a car chase, we’re forced to shave before committing acts of heroism (company policy) and we need some place to keep our stuff: keys, civilian clothes, snacks, mirror, light cosmetics to look our best for the after-heroism press events, cell phone, DisasterCard for any minor necessary purchases, passports for international work and breath mints. Unfortunately it doesn’t all fit in an Altoids tin, where we keep our stash, so I thought it time to review the most common places a typical Hero will keep the goods.
1. Spider-web backpack
This seems like a good solution, particularly if you have access to an unlimited amount of spider webbing.
Pro: high tensile strength, light weight.
Con: breaks down in a few hours, plus can you imagine reaching into a bag made of spider webbing to grab your snack? How icky would that be, you’d reach in and half the time expect to get bitten by a centipede.
2. Fanny Pack
This fantastic option has been adopted by engineers and math-letes alike.
Pro: Enough room for the essentials, but reminds you that you shouldn’t pack the kitchen sink just to fight crime.
Con: Even if you’re practically invulnerable you won’t like that when you’re chasing a villain the thing bounces up and down on your junk.
3. Man Purse
The Man-purse goes by many names: the Valise, the M’urse and best of all the Mocketbook.
Pro: A good mocketbook is stylish and has plenty of room for your Tic Tacs.
Con: Superhero babes will never go out with you, and let’s admit it, isn’t that the reason you became a Superhero in the first place?
4. Utility Belt
Seen on plumbers and bat-oriented heroes alike.
Pro: will hold everything from grappling hooks to a complete set of steak knives.
Con: Honestly. They are so bulky that they kind of make you look like you have a fat ass, or at least they draw attention to your ass in an unflattering way. You might as well wear a t-shirt with an arrow pointing downward that says “Warning: Lardass Next 50 Centimeters.”
The briefcase projects a look that says “I can be trusted with a lot of the public’s money.”
Pro: you can use it to as a weapon.
Con: they frequently come with handcuffs, the keys for which you will lose and then you look like some sort of bomb-wielding psychopath.
6. Another Dimension
It’s everywhere, all around us, all the time.
Pro: All the space you need, hidden from view, accessed with the snap of the fingers (or whatever dorky magical gesture you prefer).
Con: Rental extra-dimensional storage space is often prohibitively expensive. Plus the demons.
7. LL Bean Monogrammed Backpack
A classic look for everyone from young school children to corporate executives who wear it to show that they haven’t yet “sold out.”
Pro: these babies come with a lifetime guarantee, and even if the thing has been obliterated by a nuclear blast those nice customer service folks in Freeport Maine will never question how you used it. They’ll just send you a new one.
Con: just a little too preppy for this hero. Plus the monogram will give your enemies three delicious clues to find out your secret identity.
All of these methods have their benefits, but a real hero worth his salt will use the following time-honored tradition: make your sidekick carry your shit. If you aren’t a big enough Hero to have your own sidekick, then do what every musician has ever done before becoming famous enough to have his own roadies: ask the girlfriend.
If you’re either a rock star or a superhero without a girlfriend, the fanny pack is fine.