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The ISS Takes on: Superheroes

The ISS Takes on: Superheroes

This post was written by the-iss on April 1, 2009
Posted Under: Evil

It should go without saying that superheroes are vile and without any real negotiable value, but we’re here, so we’ll go ahead and say it: They’re terrible.

Over on our now-hostage website, we have made it pretty clear that superheroes can easily be douchebags, and, frankly, superheroines aren’t much better.

But we all already know that. Let’s get past the personalities and move right into the even more pathetic aspects of these sad, overhyped people.

First: Fashion sense. They ain’t got it.

Blue? Red? Yellow? What are these compared to the villainous staples of green, purple and black? Likewise, superheroes are just plain enamored with wearing those underwear-looking tights outside of their regular pants, which is almost fetishy. We know it’s an old joke and all, but that doesn’t make it any less weird. And capes. So many ugly, ugly capes. We villains keep it classy. With metal and/or leather masks, hoods and stylish boots.

The only thing we heroes and villains can really agree on are belts with our initials on them. Those are pretty boss.

Next: Rhetoric.

All superheroes seem to be able to say is, “I’ll save the day” this, and “a better world that” and “to the rescue” what. We supervillains have a much larger vocabulary of nefarious pronouncements, usually stated in elegant ALL CAPS and topped off with a hearty, villainous laugh. They barely laugh at all, those heroes. They have no fun.

The horrid propaganda rags called comics don’t want you to believe it, but we villains have more fun than anybody. (Remember what we said earlier about the death rays).

And finally, website and headquarters design and cleanliness. Frankly, we hate it here. Everything is so damn bright! And Red Bull cans and Mountain Dew bottles are fucking everywhere. The floor is sticky. There are literally dozens of cats who have ostensibly been rescued and not returned to their owners crawling over my arms and legs right now.

And there’s daylight. Horrible, horrible daylight.

We can’t wait to get back to our pit of horrors, honestly, at ISS HQ, deep in the Earth’s mantle. It’s so much cozier. Also, we left all our beer and pizza there. We want it back, Freedom.

Reader Comments

It’s not my fault you can’t handle tasteful, modern decor.

All I can say is stay the Frak out of my Mantuary. And if you mess with my Steely Dan collection on vinyl, there’ll be heck to pay.

Written By Captain Freedom on April 1st, 2009 @ 1:26 pm

Be advised: We have replaced all your Steely Dan with Thin Lizzy and/or Black Sabbath.

Written By the-iss on April 1st, 2009 @ 1:29 pm

Shhhh! That was gonna be a surprise! Well, damnit. At least now I ain’t gonna feel so bad about swiping all the Red Bull. Not that I would have in the first place, but this compounds my belief that it’s my right to empty Capn’ Freedom’s fridge.

Plus, I’m running up your phone bill with 900 services and answering your email. Seems there’s this guy named Khamo latif in Africa who said that he’s trying to get his money out of the country, and is willing to give you over 3 million dollars if you allow him to use your bank account. All you need to do is give him your account number and transfer a couple of thousand dollars to him to get the metaphorical ball rolling.

Don’t worry. I handled it! Your account number was in your mail stack next to your computer.

You’re welcome.

Written By Reverend Rogue on April 1st, 2009 @ 4:14 pm


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