Recently this very site was overtaken by some evildoers and I had to fight them off with some fancy computer hacking kung-fu ( I sprayed their eyes with some olive oil from my special chrome mister). But we shouldn’t let this happen again, so here is my 7-step plan:
- Keep your password safe. Write it down on a Post-it Note. Affix the Note to your monitor. Swallow the pen you’ve used to write your password. Never post it on the homepage of your blog.
- Change your password to something nobody would suspect. If you’re evil, try something like “fluffykittybunbun” or “unic0rn lover.” I’ve changed mine to “Mwahahahahahahahahahaha”.
- Ask yourself if you really need a website. As a top-shelf Hero it’s obvious that the world cannot continue functioning if I don’t update what color rugs I’ve chosen for the new West Coast Secret Headquarters, but look: if your claim to fame is preventing vagabonds from slipping into the ATM without using their own bank card because somebody else is holding the door open, maybe you don’t need your own website. MySpace will be fine.
- Read your favorite newspaper, such as the New York Times or Washington Post. Nobody, and I mean nobody, will have as much up-to-the-minute information about internet security than people who have devoted their time and energy to printing out yesterday’s news onto a medium that’s better served containing the messes from your chili dog.
Napkins, people! Keep your mind out of the gutter.
- Prevent SQL Injection vulnerabilities. My tech guy Akira has explained what this means a few times, and as far as I can tell you just have to prevent people from sneaking up behind you and shooting your ass with a needle full of Gods-know-what.
- Grow a mustache. No sane criminal will ever break into a website owned by a mustachier.
- Use Linux. I have no idea what this means, but it will keep your site secure and attract at least 100,000,000 visitors to my blog just because I mentioned it. On further inspection, I believe Linux is an off brand of facial tissue, banking on the idea that it sounds sort of like Kleenex.