Hey everybody, I’m Captain Freedom!
I’m a big dumb idiot and I wrote a book and stuff and I’m gonna talk about it! Bleh bleh blah blah blah! Grooming, nerdgasm, etc.
Ha! We got you, didn’t we? Of course we did. Our uncanny imitation of that fool, Captain Freedom, totally had you going.
But we’re not that spandex-wearing dolt, we’re the fucking International Society of Supervillains, and we’ve taken over this silly little haven of good in the seething cauldron of hatred and vice they call the internet. And we’re going to piss all over it.
Because villainy’s where it’s at, kids. You think playing by the rules is going to get you anywhere? We’ll tell you where it’ll get you: Stuck in a dead-end job with a spouse you can’t stand and kids you hate.
The U.N. plays by the rules all the time. And who wants to be or listens to the U.N., with their ridiculously-named secretary generals and goofy blue helmets? Nobody, that’s who.
You know what being a supervillain will get you? Robots that look like you! And awesome volcano lairs! And death rays. So many death rays. We’re swimming in death rays.
Plus, villainy will win you an Oscar. The Joker proved that just this year. How many superheroes have won Oscars? Okay, the guy who played Daredevil won one. I’ll grant you that. But that was for a screenplay, “Good Will Hunting,” that he may not have even written. Not “Daredevil.” And “Daredevil” was terrible. And he killed that one dude by letting the subway train run right over him! So we don’t think that counts, or that Ben Affleck is anything even close to being a superhero.
But we digress.
From now on, on this blog, we’ll show you all it means to be a villain, and lead you down the never-ending path to evil.