The Taste of Freedom

I believe in missile defense. It’s as simple as that. You have to consider the kinds of things that can attack us:

• neighbors having loud parties (you know who you are)
• asteroids
• giant ravenous mecha-birds
• the hands of an angry god coming down to smite us
• aliens (both illegal and extra-terrestrial)
• missiles
• anti-missile missiles
  and most importantly:
• anti-missile-defense-missiles

Plus look at the picture: the system is designed to create a replica of the Golden Arches.

No matter what, it’s way cheaper than covering America with a retractable roof like the Astrodome, which, considering the lack of consistent sunlight, would be devastating for my lawn.

Say what you will about the bombastic and yet emotive stylings of My Chemical Romance. They serve an important role in diffusing teenage angst, much in the same way as Clearosil. But what are they doing writing comics?

Gerard Way, frontman of this black parade, insists on writing a comic book.

Think about it. This crossover has the potential to be disastrous. Can you imagine Alan Moore starting an emo band? Perhaps Stan Lee should emcee the MTV Music Awards. Before you know it we’ll have actors trying to be novelists and sculptors acting like ballerinas.

I have no problem with the way Mr. Way dresses, and I think the world might be a better place if more people dressed like they were in a sad marching band. Especially marching bands. But this is a man who uses literature to combat depression. Will his comic feature fuzzy bunnies?

Here’s a brief synopsis from Mr. Way:

But in short, a [closeted] space alien has adopted seven extraordinary children to save the world.

So this is about Angelina Jolie?

I’m not so sure that comic book authors should look, like, how do I put this delacately? Fruitcakes? Comic book writing is a sombre profession, best suited to those straight laced wordsmiths whose appearance gives us comfort while they corrupt our children. Like Alan Moore.

There’s been a lot of talk about Dynasty lately, and I’m not talking about a crappy but hugely successful TV show that helped break up the Soviet Empire. I’m talking about the next president.

People worry about the president’s last name, and the fear that we’ll spend the next seventy years in a Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton-Gush-Klingon presidential spiral vortex. But is this new? I don’t think so. Vice President Al Gore’s father was a Senator from Tennessee. President John Adams had a son John Quincy Adams, who not only was also president, but had a hit TV show.

Former Senator Bob Dole and his wife, current Senator Elizabeth Dole, are related to the pineapple.
Then there’s John F. Kennedy, who was related to that annoying MTV girl.

Then there’s House Minority Leader John Boehner, whose last name is pronounced “boner”. I’m just saying.

Technorati Profile
I’ve learned recently that they use ’spiders’ to verify blogs. Are these mechanical spiders? Are they robotic? Or is this just another horrible pun having to do with the web?

I was playing bridge with some of my friends at the State Department and I told them I was planning to remodel my place. I do it every couple of years, mostly out of boredom. So when they recommended the contractors at Blackwater, I figured, sure, why not, I’ll look into them. Turns out it wasn’t such a good idea.

After getting an estimate from them they automatically started to bill me. I wasn’t ready to decide, I was waiting on a few more bids, but then Blackwater’s guy called me to tell me that this was a no-bid process. I hadn’t heard of no-bid contracting before, but since my friends at the State Department were so keen on these guy it seemed reasonable.

Their handiwork is somewhat questionable. Instead of nail guns, they like to use gun guns, which is really rough on the sheet rock. They broke all the windows to create a ‘defensible position’. But I live in a cul-de-sac! Their philosophy is best summed up as measure once, cut twice, and shoot some neighbors.

Then there was the loss of equipment. They ordered the new whirlpool for my back deck at least six different times, and somehow they lost each one. And then they invoiced me for the missing Jacuzzis. Plus some 8000 rounds of ammunition and a helicopter gunship I don’t even want.

The last straw was when they called me at work to tell me they’d fired my plumber. I’d been working with this guy for years – he’d seen me through every previous remodel. He was always prompt and fair.
I ask them where he is. Turns out not only had he been fired. He’d been fired upon. He’s in the hospital now.

In the contract, there’s nothing about terminating the agreement. I called my lawyer and asked him if I can do anything, and it turns out there’s a federal law prohibiting me from ending my Blackwater contract. Even worse, if I stop paying them, they reserve the right to blow up the house and start over, which means delays. But they have no incentive to do a good job, because as soon as the house is fixed, they’re unemployed. It’s a vicious cycle, and my missing Jacuzzi is in the middle of it. And I didn’t even want a Jacuzzi!

People are often surprised by my feelings on certain super powers. I love my own super strength. Lightning-fast reflexes are also helpful, sure, as is the ability to predict the weather. I’ve compiled a list of Superpowers I’ve come across that are really not so great, and that you might think about refusing if some extra-dimensional being offers them.

Flying

Yes, I can fly, but there are some problems with it. To avoid RPGs or interfering with normal air traffic, you have to have to fly really high. It’s cold up there. Which means you’re flying in long johns, and when you get back to land, you instantly start to overheat. Plus if you fly high enough there isn’t enough oxygen , and you have t wear one of those masks like the ones that pop out of the airplane when you’ve lost cabin pressure.

Invisibility

People imagine that they could be so stealthy if they were invisible, but that just isn’t so, and it’s a question of physics (I learned this from my buddy Dr. Angstrom, who manufactures all sorts of gizmos for the super-oriented community). Here’s the thing: if you’re invisible, light passes right through your eyes, rendering you blind, since you need to have something solid for the light to reflect against. So if you’re bumping into shit all the time you’re no longer that stealthy. You could wear sunglasses, but people get might suspicious when a pair of sunglasses are floating around.

Being made of Sand

There’s really nothing good here. Think about it: you know how it feels when you have sand in your crack from a nice day at the beach? You know how it drives you crazy from the moment you get into the car until you have a shower and a mai tai in your hand? Sometimes that interval can take hours. Think about how you’d feel if you had that sandy crack feeling around your entire body.

Super-inventiveness

I don’t know exactly why this is categorized as a superpower, but it’s in the DSM IV (Dieter’s Superhero Manual) so who am I to argue? Sure, it’s great if you can come up with the TransNuclear Geletin Process but the real problem here is patents. There’s a patent on everything you can think of out there, and what good is your invention to take over the world if you can’t get a patent and have it mass-produced in China?

Telepathy

You live in a world where people are having inane cell phone conversations. Imagine a world in which you heard peoples inane thoughts all the time. Can you hear me? Are you there? What should I have for dinner. Yeah, I’m stuck on the train, but there’s this really hot Superhero next to me. Wonder if he’s single.

So glad I can’t read minds.

Various Twists on Mind Control

It’s one thing to read minds, another to control them. Most heroes, or when you think about it, they’re mostly villians, have very bizarre forms of mind control – enmeshing victims in their worst nightmares/favorite fantasies, exploiting people’s dreams while they sleep. Can you imagine having to explain this power at a cocktail party. “And what’s your super power?” “Oh, well, it’s this form of mind control where I reach deep into their psyche and replay their worst day of ninth grade. It might now sound that bad but it’s totally paralytic.”

Wow, exciting, you might as well just say “database administrator”.

Shield Throwing

It didn’t do Captain America that much good, since he was gunned down leaving a courthouse and not having his shield handy. That’s sad. I’m pretty sure it isn’t an Olympic sport.

Let me say I’m shocked. Shocked at the TASER event in Florida recently. When will police learn to first evacuate all students with video equipment, then TASER the unruly ragamuffins.

With all my superpowers I haven’t needed to use the device, except when I’m at the gym. Then it’s really handy: Can I use the Elliptical? No. Really? No. (applies TASER, body crumples to the ground).

In any case, any police or private security or paranoid weapons freaks should really make sure their up on the latest safety - perhaps try the TASER Safety Merit Badge?