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2009 January

Ask The Superhero: Zombies and Pirates

Will Zombies Ever Be As Cool as Vampires, and Do You think Pirates Are Sell-outs?
-I. M. Missing-pieces, Recently disturbed tomb, Haiti.
First off that’s two questions. I’d like to tell you about my feelings on vampires, but that will have to wait for another time.
Some of you might think that Pirates are sell-outs only since the […]

Everything Wrong with Online Banking

Online banking is difficult for me. When I first saw my mentor Chief Justice’ secret headquarters I was most impressed with his hidden vault, which he’d bought second-hand, from Al Capone via Geraldo. A platoon of ninjas guarded the entrance. How did I know that these silent, almost invisible killers were there? A trained eye […]

Measuring Windows Vista’s Impact on the Superhero world

Conventional reporters have covered the myriad failures of the initial release of Microsoft Vista, which has more bugs than the Watergate hotel during the primary season. Few have realized the crippling effects that this half-baked operating system has had on those mighty early adopters who protect us all, the superheroes, and their enemies.
Antivirus Software Causes […]

Five Conceptual Abilities that Are Almost Superpowers

1. Knowing the right wine at the right time
If you understand the difficult pairings of wine and food you understand basically everything about human nature, physics and the astral plane. Should you be able to boldly and correctly combine a wine with fiery Indian food (hint: not Cabernet Sauvignon), a victual most often combined with […]

The Superhero Lifestyle

Author G. Xavier Robillard speaks about whatever he thinks he knows about the soi-disant Superhero Lifestyle, in a taped speech from Oakland’s Northern California Independent Booksellers Association meeting. He does have heroic sideburns, I’ll give him that.

Ask The Superhero - Rescuing Small Crap Countries

What’s the appeal of rescuing small, defenseless countries that nobody cares about?
Just Curious,
Barry O’ Bama
–sent from my Blackberry

I assume this is a thinly veiled reference to Kuwait. I haven’t been reading my news feeds today — did it get invaded again?
You have to dance with the one what brought you. If the giant casino […]

Shocking Truths About Taser Safety

As tasers become used more in daily lives, by everyone from parking lot attendants to perfume counter clerks and at staff meetings we need to outline their safe and effective use. This Instruction Page could be tacked up in every workplace, in between the sexual harassment poster and the federal employment guidelines poster, and covering […]

Why I Can’t Eat Burritos Anymore

Like you I’ve enjoyed burritos my entire life. They’re a tasty cheap food that you can get anywhere, even in foreign countries, like Mexico. They’re compact, great on the run, and if kept in foil they’ll stay warm for some time. But I can no longer eat them.
There’s something about the magical combination of flour, […]

When You Smile for the Camera

The Paparazzi have a new, fearsome weapon… the Tibetan Death Camera.
As a Superhero you can’t help but be photographed, and only 99% of the time do you wish to punch the cameraman in the face. It’s almost a twitch, a nervous reaction, as if you had an allergy, but instead of sneezing and itchy ears […]

Ghostwriter Responds to Superhero Allegations

Smarmy little prick. I’ll make him a ghost-writer all right!