NB: Shortly after this bootleg translation appeared, ghostwriter G. Xavier Robillard disappeared in Japan, and is thought to have been kidnapped and taken to North Korea. Pending sales of this book, the publisher may or may not lobby for his release. Translated from the Korean.
I did not achieve my seasoned brilliance and celestial harmony until I met with the Supreme Leader, who bestowed upon me all of my gifts: the ability to fly as a crane, the strength of a tiger (but nowhere near that of the Excellent Leader), the skill to divine the location of water in the most arid of deserts, and the ability to commune with the ancestors, learning their ancient wisdom and accepting it with the serenity of five thousand lotus blossoms. My happy world is often filled with ghost visions of Supreme Leader’s father, Kim Il Sung, the warrior poet king whose path I often hope to follow gladly.
During my normal days I am just a captain in our wondrous nation’s infantry. But when duty calls, I become not just any captain, not just any soldier, but Captain Worker.
Captain Worker distributes rice to those in need, especially those who serve the Party. On this day you will learn how Captain Worker battled and nearly destroyed the great monster Pulgasari. Pulgasari once was a champion of the comrades, and his fire-breathing helped repel the invasion of the Americans during the 1950 War of Supremacy, in which we defeated the Imperialists for ever. The beast became a movie star, but had received ill film reviews and his greed had him purged from the party.
Let me set the scene of Our Battle.
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Even the smallest secret headquarters requires a ton of maintenance – biohazard samples from the crime lab must be disposed of in accordance with local law, costumes must be darned, sewn, capes frequently dry cleaned and dinosaur droppings must be cleaned from the litter box, and let’s not even discuss the toxic slop that ends up in the gutters. Like any other regular person I use a fleet of robots to attend to my house cleaning needs, but I admit lately that I am worried the Roomba’s been stealing.
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Last night I signed books at NY ComicCon and only barely escaped being asked to judge a “skanky Princess Leia in slave outfit” contest. I also had the pleasure of meeting Bryan Lee O’Malley, author/artist of the wonderful Scott Pilgrim series.
The men’s magazine Asylum posted several short excerpts from Captain Freedom, which you may read at your leisure while you wait for me to upload the results of the Skanky Princess Leia Slave Costume contest.
The good people of Medium at Large graciously published this pressing question about cheerleaders.
Is ‘Save the Cheerleader, Save the World’ Always True?
T. Kring, NBC.com
I’m guessing that you’re asking about this specific plot resolution offered by the hit television show Heroes. Because I’m feeling as magnanimous as Doctor Magma is hot, I will answer this question both specifically and generally.
Does saving the Cheerleader always save the world? In Heroes, yes, it does. The Cheerleader, as played so well by Hayden Panettiere, is an important instrument in Heroes because she’s damned adorable. I don’t mean sexually, because that would be creepy. She’s cute like a baby seal. Like a unicorn. Like a toddler using a unicorn horn to paint a picture of a baby seal. Not saving the Cheerleader would be devastating.
[Read the rest of the response in MediumAtLarge.]
The goodly people at Broken Frontier published my suggestions on how to choose a secret identity. It begins thusly:
One of the first tasks handed down to a new Hero is the construction of an alter ego. If you already have an Also Known As before you become super, and you’re satisfied with the alias of a mild-mannered junior high school biology teacher with a bad mustache (Mr. Wasner, I’m thinking of you), by all means go with that.
But some of us super-powered types were super BEFORE we had to think of a secret identity. We grew up super and kept our secret safe, revealing it only to our three best friends, parents, clergymen, random people we recognized from locking carts in the produce aisle, the old lady behind the counter at the drug store who glared at us because we used our powers to steal cigarettes, and every single girl we tried to get to second base with. But society forces us to claim an alter ego. The telephone bills have to go somewhere.
Read the rest of the essay in Broken Frontier.
You cannot fight evil without a solid library, and fortunately some person named Timothy McSweeney was kind enough to post excerpts from some of my favorites, including:
- Let’s Go—Evil!
- Battling Recently Reawakened Ancient Evils for Dummies
- Rand McNally’s Atlas of Pirate Getaways
- Flash Gordon’s Superhero Handbook
- Clandestine: Its People, Culture, and Folkways
You can read more from each title in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
I don’t know how this happened but the funny fiends at “Comedy Central” posted an excerpt of my memoir. They suggested it’s a “funny book.” How dare they? And by what authority are they Comedy Central? Is this some sort of Trotskyist, government-controlled humor entity?
Will Zombies Ever Be As Cool as Vampires, and Do You think Pirates Are Sell-outs?
-I. M. Missing-pieces, Recently disturbed tomb, Haiti.
First off that’s two questions. I’d like to tell you about my feelings on vampires, but that will have to wait for another time.
Some of you might think that Pirates are sell-outs only since the final, tedious, gruelingly long chapter of Pirates of the Caribbean: I Can’t Believe I Have to Wait an Hour Before Jack Sparrow Shows Up. But you have to remember that Pirates of the Caribbean was originally an amusement park ride, which stinks of commercial success. And vomit.
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Online banking is difficult for me. When I first saw my mentor Chief Justice’ secret headquarters I was most impressed with his hidden vault, which he’d bought second-hand, from Al Capone via Geraldo. A platoon of ninjas guarded the entrance. How did I know that these silent, almost invisible killers were there? A trained eye can always tell “ninja droppings” – which are metal shavings from their throwing stars that end up on the floor.
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Conventional reporters have covered the myriad failures of the initial release of Microsoft Vista, which has more bugs than the Watergate hotel during the primary season. Few have realized the crippling effects that this half-baked operating system has had on those mighty early adopters who protect us all, the superheroes, and their enemies.
Antivirus Software Causes Matter Disruption Ray to fail
Users Effected: Dr. Doom
Dr. Doom found that the operating system, using traditional antivirus software, was not compatible with his matter disruption ray. The weapon would start, fire a small burst, then shut down before disrupting any matter.
Possible solution:
Although Microsoft strongly suggests maintaining anti-virus software, most Matter Disruption Rays can function without access to the internet. It is therefore recommended that the Matter Disruption Ray is disconnected from Dr. Doom’s local area network.
Restrictive DRM prohibits copying of MP3s, other entertainment media
Users Affected: Dr. Bruce Banner.
Hulk wanted to make mix tape to share with She-hulk. It taking 16 hours for “More than A Feeling” to download from laptop. Hulk angry!
Possible Solution: Hulk Smash!
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